Bigger Than The Trail

As I sit here this morning drinking my cup of coffee and writing this blog post, I am reflecting on my journey through life thus far as I am wrapping up my 40th marathon around the sun soon. If I am being honest, it used to feel like a marathon every year but as the years are passing it is starting to go by faster and faster. I do not dare stop to blink these days. I am at a place of contentment and ready to charge ahead into the next adventure. But I have not always felt this way and I may not feel this way 30 minutes from now...

My first memories of my struggles with depression and anxiety began around age 7 when I was in the second grade and I realized that my father had left our family and was not coming back. I grew up in a home where I knew I was loved very much by my family. However, I remember some days feeling a deep sadness and on some days tremendous anger. Then on other days I would feel profound happiness and joy. On my good days, I was a happy rowdy little girl who liked to play outside with G.I. JOE's with my friends, go rollerskating around the carport singing along to my Tiffany and Debbie Gibson cassette tapes, and romp around in the woods looking for little forest critters. On my bad days, I was an angry and defiant little girl who would lash out and sometimes bring her mom and other family members to tears. Or I would be a reclusive little girl who would go to the swing set down the street by herself and swing for who knows how long trying to soothe myself. I did not understand why I had those feelings and I did not know how to express them so I would shove them down into the darkest depths of myself and they would unfortunately manifest themselves as verbal or physical outbursts when I could no longer keep them inside. 

Once I began the turbulent age of being a tween, I developed more anxiety, anger, and felt very overwhelmed with even the smallest things. I continued being defiant and was grounded more often than not. As a teen, I developed tics, cut myself, and sometimes would lay in bed wishing that I would not wake up in the morning. A traumatic incident happened to me when I was 15 years old and I went into an even darker place. I felt like I had no control over my life and I felt like I could not handle being alive anymore. I was exhausted and lost. There were some good times in between the bad times but the turbulent ups and downs lasted into my late teens and early 20's. 

In my early 20's, I met my husband and I began to slowly understand that what I was feeling was something that I could possibly seek help for and was something that I wanted help for, but I did not know how. I still did not truly understand why I was the way that I was and I focused on trying to "fix" myself by becoming more physically active and even considered changing careers. That did work somewhat and I started leveling out. Eventually I was stable for a couple of years and we decided to start our family. I gave birth to our son in 2005 and that is when the deep changes began to occur. 

I ended up having moderate postpartum depression for about 4 years that I once again hid from everyone for 3 of those years. Being a mom made me want to be a healthier person. I HAD to be a healthier person if I was going to be able to prepare our little human for life. I focused all of my energy into being a good mom. It felt natural and like I was born to be his mom. But focusing that much on one specific area of my life led to imbalances and neglect in other aspects and with people in my life that needed more attention. I needed to be an all around healthier person and the best version of myself. But how?

I began to see and hear others speaking out about their experiences with mental health and I was starting to see that I was not alone. I was not the only one experiencing these feelings? That sounds so self-centered but I have learned that it is common to feel like you are alone and the only person who is experiencing these feelings. That is because as a society we do not talk about the elephant in the room. Even when we lose loved ones physically or emotionally to mental health issues we rarely sit down and talk about why. 

I truly thought that I was the only one, and I was embarrassed and ashamed. The truth is that many of us deal with mental health issues. We are not alone. We are not bad people. I never wanted to commit the actual act of suicide but I was okay with not waking up at some points during my early life. I have empathy for the people who lose complete hope and choose to end their life. They are not weak. They are not selfish. They were trapped in their own head and unfortunately did not feel like there was a way to get out of their own head. They felt like the world would be a better place without them. They were so very wrong.  

Last year I decided to reach out for online counseling because I could feel my anxiety reaching unhealthy levels. That counseling led to positive decisions that have led to me being healthier version of myself mentally and physically again. It also led to the realization that I had absolutely nothing to be ashamed of when I reached out for help. I have learned that I have to take care of my mental health just like I do my physical health. It takes daily maintenance and I am a work in progress but I can honestly say that I am now the best version of myself. 

I am in a good place now. I understand what is going on with my mental health. I have my outlets and my support systems in place. That does not mean that I do not still wake up some days with feelings of deep sadness with absolutely no logical explanation for why. Or anxiety that makes me want to climb back into bed and cry. I have an awesome life. I know that. But with mental illness that does not always matter. Although it scares me and is leaving me vulnerable to judgment, I am going to speak out about my experiences so that maybe someone reading this will see that they are not alone. 

Reach out to your family and friends. If you do not want to do that then reach out to professionals who will keep your information confidential but can help guide you. I promise you that you most likely have others in your life who are struggling with the same feelings. You are not alone.  

I am terrified of my son feeling what I felt growing up or as an adult and not knowing how to express it or feeling like he cannot express his feelings. Parents, lets listen to our children. They may not be expressing their feelings verbally or in a positive way. Or expressing their feelings at all. Lets truly "listen" because the earlier we can teach coping skills and make sure that they know they are not alone with how they are feeling, the better we will prepare them for life. Lets talk about it more. 

As I wrap this up, I am on my second cup of coffee and about to get ready to attend my college commencement ceremony for my associates degree today. As a child and a teen I never thought that I would live past my teens, be a wife to a wholeheartedly good man, a mom of an amazing son, and a fur-mama to some wonderful fur-babies. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that any of that would happen. But here I am. There will continue to be hard days and there will be the good days because that is the human condition and that is life. But knowing that we are in this journey together makes this life journey marvelous. 💕

A Day Filled with Smiles at Zane Grey 50M

Zane Grey 50 miler has been on my radar since 2014. I have been dreaming about running on the trails in the mountains at the Mogollon Rim ever since...

Fast forward to 2018. I set an alarm in my phone to sign up for Zane Grey as soon as registration opened. I did exactly that. I had a decent training block from December to February and I ran the Black Canyon 100k in February as a training race. I injured my left IT band that day because of the net downhill course and distance. I knew that I had not done enough downhill training but I did not realize that I had also neglected my hips during my strength training. Long distances will always show you your weaknesses and this was a lesson I would learn the hard way.

I rested, increased strength training, foam rolled, cross trained, and stretched. Yet I still spent all of March running with pain in my left knee. After a longish training run in the Hualapai mountains four weeks out from Zane Grey, I ended up hobbling my way back down the trail to my truck with tears of frustration streaming down my face. I thought that I was going to have to pull out of Zane Grey. You might be thinking, "Oh my goodness, it is just a race." You would be correct. In the big picture it is just a race. I am grateful every day to be able to run. Some cannot and it is not by choice. But when you put in a significant amount of work towards a goal and it is falling apart it is okay to be upset. For some of us it is more than just the race. Our running is how we stay sane.

This big guy is my training partner, Chipper Chance. Even when I can only hobble he is by my side.

I contacted Coach Emily (Harrison) Torrence from Sundog Running who had written my Zane Grey training plan for me. She gave me some recommendations to add to what I was already doing. The combination of everything took discipline, patience, and a lot of trusting in the process but it worked. My mileage and vertical training was low, but 3 weeks later I was pain free and feeling strong. I decided to show up to the starting line after all with my husband, Jeremy, and our son, Bren, as my crew.

The race started at 5am on Saturday, April 28, 2018. We headed out from our hotel in Payson before 4am. We parked near the start area. It was at that point that I realized we had left my drop bags for the race back in the hotel room that was 30 minutes away from the starting line. The race was starting in 30 minutes. "Whatever," I thought, "We have the crew bag and my hydration pack so it's all good." This was not a game changer for this race on this day. Adjust and move on. Jeremy and Bren were both worried but I reassured them it would be okay. They would have the crew bag, ice, and my snacks with them. If for some reason they couldn't make it to an aid station, I would survive.

I hung out with my family just behind the start chute because I planned to start in the back and just run my own race all day. I had no time goal other than sub-16 hours which is the final cutoff and if I was feeling good at the end to finish strong. I was standing there fresh off an injury with very low mileage and vert volume. I knew the mountains would chew me up and spit me out if I did not respect them.

I saw people start running and I gave my boys one last hug and kiss before I headed out. The first couple of miles were on a mellow forestry road which made for a nice warm up. I realized how quiet it was around me after a minute and I looked behind me and it was dark. No headlamps. No one was there. I was dead last. It was surreal and it was peaceful. I smiled because I was so damn happy to be out there. Then all of a sudden I heard footsteps come up behind me. It turned out I wasn't dead last after all.

We turned onto a bike path that ran along the rim. The sun was up by now and the views of pines and mountains were boundless. I could see the sheer drops from the cliff edges on the rim about 6 feet away from me on my right side. After that we hit the single track and started descending down the rim. This part was technical and I was a bit anxious because of the steep grades because I knew that could agitate my IT band. I have been working on not worrying so much in all aspects of life and I figured this was a really good time to practice focusing on what I can control. I just focused on foot placement, form, hydration, nutrition, and taking it easy.

I made it to the 260 Trailhead aid station around mile 7 where I knew my friend, Erin, would be. Not only was Erin there but my friend, Wendy, was there too because she was crewing three runners. I loved seeing both of their beautiful smiles! I took off my layers there, topped off my water and moved on.

It would be another 7 miles before the See Canyon aid station where my boys were meeting me. I was cruising along and arrived in good time. I couldn't find them though so I just went to the aid station table to restock on water and grab some food. It was at that point that I saw my friend, Melissa, who was there crewing her husband, Deron. Another beautiful smile and friendly face! Jeremy and Bren were there after all and we threw ice in my bandana that goes around my neck and ice in my hat. I also filled up my extra water bottle that I had brought to dump water on head, neck and chest if I started to get to warm.

See Canyon AS  Photo Credit: Melissa Ruse

The next stretch would be 12 miles to the Fish Hatchery aid station at mile 26. This stretch had a lot of steep ups and downs and some exposed areas. I knew this was going to be rougher going back through it later in the heat of the day. "Focus on the present," I told myself. This section was fun but it was difficult to find any kind of rhythm. I focused on moving efficiently and staying on top of my hydration and nutrition. I also made a point to dip my hat in every creek crossing we came to!

This was an out and back course this year because of the wild fires that had damaged parts of the original course. I knew the front runners would be heading back towards us mid to back of the packers around this time. Sure enough the first runner, Charlie Ware, came running by. He was super focused and running hard. A few minutes later I saw another runner come flying down a swooping descent and realized it was Coach James Bonnett! He had coached me in 2015/2016 and is the camp director for the AZ Distance Camp. I didn't know he was running in the race. I said, "Look who it is!!!" He had a huge smile on his face and gave me a high five as he passed. He looked strong. So many gorgeous smiles and strong people on this fine day.

I saw the lead women and they were encouraging us as they flew by us heading back towards the finish. About a 1/4 mile from the Fish Hatchery AS there was a couple riding horses with a third horse following them on the trail. Another runner and I came up behind them at a creek crossing. The couple stopped to let their horses drink which blocked us from crossing. We waited for them to move on and after the first two horses did it was time for the third one to take her drink. She was an older mare and it took her a little longer to drink. She let us pass her but then she was ready to move on to catch up to the other horses. I moved over to let her pass. She hesitated as she came up next to me and made eye contact. I told her that it was okay and to go ahead. She did that cute horse nod thing and went trotting past us.

That 12 miles was a long stretch so it was great to see my boys at the AS! Chris Thornley from Squirrel's Nut Butter was the aid station captain again. It is always nice to see him. He is a great guy! I mentioned to Jeremy that my leg had started kind of twinging but no pain at this point. We restocked my ice and I ate quite a few Snack 'Em pickles and drank some pickle juice. So good!

I gave my boys hugs and kisses and headed up to the AS table to fill my water bottles and bladder before I headed out. Bren had been refilling my water bottles at the aid stations but the way this AS was set up I would pass the water table on the way out so I just took care of them myself. Someone walked up to me while I was working on taking the lids off and said, "Can I fill those up for you or help you with something?" I looked up and saw a USA leotard partially unzipped exposing part of a man's chest. I thought, "Am I hallucinating?" I continued my gaze upwards and saw a kick ass mustache partially covering another amazing smile. It was at that moment that I realized it was Eric Senseman in his USA leotard suit that he wears sometimes. YASSSSSS!!! He is an elite endurance athlete who I follow on social media and I have seen this suit online. But seeing it in person was excellent!
 
I headed back out onto that same 12-mile portion that I had just covered to head back to the See Canyon AS. I knew this was going to be a tough portion because it was getting warm out and there with none to very little cloud coverage. By mile 30 my IT band was starting to bark at me. I thought, "Ugh, please no!"

Around mile 35 I started running low on water and had to ration what I had which meant I could not take in my calories as planned for about a hour or so. That doesn't seem like much but when you are running these distances, messing up on your nutrition and hydration can be a game changer. "Stay calm and play it smart," I said aloud.

I kept taking my electrolytes as planned and sipping water. My IT band was still barking at me and was starting to pull on my hamstring. That scared me. I didn't want to leave this race with another injury! But I didn't want to drop either. I took a couple of breaks in the shade to stretch my back and to cool down. I did quite a bit of alternating hiking/running for the last 3 miles to the AS to ensure I made it back safely. When I arrived I had one sip left in my last water bottle, my heart rate was high, I was low on calories, definitely about to bonk hard, and my leg hurt. I really didn't like how it was pulling on my hamstring. I needed to talk to Jeremy. We had specifically talked about this scenario before the race so he had a good understanding of my IT band injury and what to do if it acted up.

As soon as he saw me he knew something was up. He asked me a few questions and told me to sit down in the shade. He gave me a cold bottle of water and offered me my pickles and potatoes. I gladly took all of  them. Jeremy started massaging my leg. While he did that, Bren grabbed my water bottles and refilled them. He came back and then asked me what he could grab me from the aid station to eat. The boys are nailing this whole crewing thing!

I probably sat there for about 15 minutes or so allowing my body to reset. It worked. I filled up my water bladder, and grabbed a handful of gummy worms and Swedish fish. Yummy! It was at this point that I saw my friend, Patrick, who I had been looking for all day because I wanted to cheer him on. He DNF'd last year and a finish this year was very important to him. He was still in it and so close to the finish. It was great to see him! From there I gave my boys more hugs and kisses, turned on a Negative Splits podcast I had been wanting to listen to with David Roche (because who doesn't smile when they listen to David Roche) and headed towards 260 TH AS that was 7 miles away.

My leg felt great! Whatever Jeremy did worked. I was in a great place mentally and I allowed myself to begin pushing it for that strong finish I had hoped and planned for. I ran the flats, downhills and mellow uphills. I hiked the steep climbs. This part of the course was really fun to me. It kind of swoops here and there and is in the pines for the most part. I arrived at the 260 TH AS fairly quickly. I saw Coach Jason Koop standing beside the trail and was like, "Woah, that was THE Jason Koop. Cool!" No, I didn't say that out loud. I am not that big of a dork believe it or not. At least I don't think that I did? Hmmm...

I arrived to volunteers and crews cheering us runners in including my boys, Melissa, Erin, Wendy and people I didn't even know. Jeremy and Bren had stopped here unplanned on the way to the finish line to check on me and make sure my leg was holding up. Jeremy thought for sure I was going to come in hobbling because of how I came into the last AS. Nope. I came in smiling ear to ear and looking for a bathroom. Those two things aren't related. Or are they?

Jeremy told me that there were two ladies who had been there for a little bit. He told me that I looked strong and I should try to beat them to the finish line. I am not going to lie, once he said that I felt the inner competitive part of me that I buried deep down inside that day wake up. She stood up, stretched, and threw up her "rock on" hand gesture. After topping off waters, grabbing a small snack, and verifying course directions with the volunteers, I headed out with two other ladies heading out at the same time for the final 4.7 miles back up to the rim and to the finish line.

The climb spread us out with Liz Koop about 400 yards ahead of me. We both passed the third woman who had left the AS a little bit ahead of us. I had turned on some tunes and was making my way up the climb singing along to the Bee Gees "Stayin' Alive" and grinding out that climb. I love big gnarly climbs and this was a good one!

We hit the top and the last 2 miles were fairly flat. I didn't know how close the third woman in our 260 TH group was but I wasn't looking back to see. I ran as hard as I could towards the finish line passing a few runners along the way. I never could close the gap between Liz and I, but trying to catch her pushed me and for that I was grateful.

As I came around the final bend in the road, I saw the finish line and saw Bren standing on the side about 20 yards away from the finish. He asked me if he could finish with me. Heck yeah!!! I waved him over and he ran across the finish line with me which was fitting because I finished this race with the help of my crew who saved the day at See Canyon #2. I finished in 13:40:47. Some people would not be happy with that time but I was filled with gratitude. I had executed my race plan and finished strong with a smile and my son by my side.

Crossing the finish line with my boy. Photo Credit: Wendy White

Family and friends were at the finish line and there were many more smiles. Smiles were the theme of the day. We stayed after for a bit because I wanted to cheer in that third woman who had left 260 TH AS with us. Her and I had been leap-frogging each other all day long. I also wanted to cheer in Patrick and Deron. This is what it is all about. The community and the adventures. I hear that the course re-route that we did this year was easier (not easy by any means) than the original route  and I hope to be back to run the original course.

I am sure that a lot people looking at my training numbers leading up to the race would think that I shouldn't have toed the line or that I would not finish. Those thoughts crossed my mind a time or two before race day. But you know what? This was a bucket list race. We only have this one life. You can't keep pushing things off until some sort of perfect scenario happens. Do you want it or not? Are you willing to risk failing or not?

Sometimes you have to trust in your previous experiences and believe in yourself even if you are a bit crazy. Or a lot crazy. My mantra for the day was "I CAN and I WILL." I did it with the help of my amazing husband, son, and friends. Now I understand why Zane Grey 50M is special to people. It is the community that shows up there and there is something so very special about those mountains.

Take care and enjoy doing whatever it is you are passionate about. Hopefully it is something that you can share with the people who care about and love you. Community is what it is all about!

Best team a girl could ask for. Photo Credit: Wendy White

~Shanna

Gear/Hydration/Nutrition:
Bigger Than the Trail Patagonia duck bill hat
Ultimate Direction Adventure Vesta hydration pack
Altra Lone Peak 3.5 trail shoes
Injinji mid-weight toe socks
Nathan water bottles/2L UD bladder
Hammer Endurolytes
Spring Energy Long Haul gels
Pickles, watermelon, potatoes, chips, pretzels, gummy worms and swedish fish...nom nom nom

Shannatarian

 

Shannatarian (shan-nah-tair-ee-uh n)

noun

1. A Shanna eats a mainly plant-based diet consisting of vegetables, fruits, grains, legumes, seeds, nuts, etc. She does not eat dairy, eggs, or poultry products. She occasionally eats freshwater fish and sometimes chows on some bacon. She adjusts accordingly as needed.


It has been a year this month since I began the bear of a process of managing my Sarcoidosis with my nutrition. Because my auto-immune disease was triggered by food allergies this process was of the utmost importance unless I wanted to have permanent damage to my organs and to take powerful pharmaceutical drugs with terrible side effects. That just seemed downright dim-witted being I could remove the triggers and alleviate the inflammation and symptoms naturally.

It has been a long process with ups and downs. It took me a long time to figure out the main triggers. The last trigger that I found was poultry. Now that I have removed poultry, I am feeling healthy more often than not these days. I dare to say that on some days I feel like my old self but healthier. I occasionally unknowingly eat something with an allergen in it that I was told was allergen free, but that is okay. I can handle that.

People often ask me if I am vegan or vegetarian. There are many different types of vegans and vegetarians. I had no idea there were so many different types until I started researching. No, I am not a vegan. While a vegan dish is always a "safe" dish for me to eat I still enjoy my honey and occasional meat. I guess that I am a flexitarian vegetarian, but I don't like the whole labeling and putting myself in a box thing. I follow my own specific diet tailored specifically for my body for optimal health. What works for me may not work for someone else.

I have learned so much about various types of foods and their direct relationship to various diseases. In all honesty, I basically caused my auto-immune disease because I didn't listen to my body. I didn't realize that at the time but hindsight is 20/20. I have been humbled by my body and I am listening now.

I am grateful to report that over the past year I have been able to dial in my nutrition, running/cardio, stress management and sleep needs. I now know what works for my body to keep it happy and healthy. I have the occasional flare ups but can almost always pinpoint the exact cause and rectify it.

I wrote this blog post because people ask me questions and I hope that this helped answer some of them. Anyone can reach out to me if you have questions out of curiosity or because you are going through something. We each have to find our own way to navigate this crazy thing called life, but in the meantime it is always comforting to know there are others out there who understand.

Running and Fueling for Healing & Balance

Watson Lake, Prescott, AZ Photo Credit: my son : )

The past three months have been full of changes. Good changes. The kind of changes that are life changing for a person.

By late February, my Sarcoidosis had improved but I was still fatigued, dealing with skin issues and had generalized inflammation in various organs of my body. I was also trying to come back from my ankle injury and train for the Whiskey Basin Trail Run 88km in Prescott, AZ that was being put on by Aravaipa Running. I hadn't competed in any races since Bear 100 in September and I yearned to be back out in the mountains pushing my limits. However, I couldn't seem to muster up the energy to build my mileage back up to an acceptable distance. I was beyond frustrated. 

Around that time, my husband and I decided that we needed to overhaul our daily nutrition as a family for optimal short term and long term health. After a ton of research, we decided to try a primarily plant based diet. This was the direction that our family decided to go and what we felt would best fit our needs.

It has been 12 weeks now and I have continued to eat 95% plant based foods. That basically means that I eat a variety of legumes, grains, vegetables, fruits, nuts and seeds. I removed meats and all dairy from my daily diet. There are other things that take up the 5%, like eggs. I do leave myself some wiggle room for an occasional birthday cupcake, piece of cake or dairy-free ice cream. ; ) The removal of dairy has been the biggest factor in my improved health and in my son's improved GI system. Our bodies are much happier without daily consumption of dairy. As far as meat goes, I just don't seem to have much of a taste or cravings for meat these days and I am listening to my body. So there you go.

Now that it has been 12 weeks, I will list the pros and cons that I have experienced for those of you who have been asking questions.

Pros:

• acne has significantly improved
• noticeably more focused on tasks
• sinuses have cleared up
• GI system is working much better
• no more bloating or sharp stomach pains after eating
• no more feeling tired/sluggish after eating
• no more dramatic sugar crashes and feeling hangry every single day
• recovery from training has improved significantly and I have been able to increase my mileage again and compete in an ultra marathon again...injury free!
• I have learned how to cook healthy home-cooked meals for my family and for the first time in my life I actually enjoy cooking!

The biggest and most important positive change that I have personally experienced has been that my Sarcoidosis symptoms have decreased significantly and have pretty much completely disappeared. I have not had a flare up in 9 weeks. My energy levels have improved significantly. No joint pains, no flare ups of granuloma uveitis in my eyes or excessive dryness, no chest tightness, coughing or wheezing. No more excessive sinus issues and phlegm, and no more tingling in my left foot. My skin rashes have almost all disappeared as well. At this point my Sarcoidosis is in remission for the first time since my symptoms began around March of 2015. YAY!!

Cons:

• it can be tricky to eat out at restaurants unless you are at one that has food options without dairy or meat
• People judge you...over what you eat. That is so weird to me. I will just leave it at that. *shrug*

 

Because of these positive changes I was able to squeeze out enough training time and miles to toe the line at Whiskey Basin Trail Runs 88km last month. I was still under trained but feeling healthy and strong. My boys joined me at the race and it was a very fun day! There were some very experienced females on the course and I was definitely the newbie out there. My lack of downhill training reared its head around mile 45 which made for a very painful last 9.5 miles to the finish. But I was able to push hard and finish under my goal time. An added bonus was that I finished as the second female.

Mile 35

 

After the race with my boys.

 

I recently ran with my son in a fun local trail race called Krazy 8. It is put on by my good friend, Anna. Yes, that is THE Anna who crewed and paced me at Bear 100. She is the owner of SHIFT gym where she offers various classes and personal training. She puts on fun races for adults and kids in our community. My son had been really looking forward to race day and had been training for it. He ran well! He then decided at the last minute to jump into the kids one mile race and ran strong again! He finished 1st place after just running 5 miles with me. Proud mom and dad moment. The kid has heart. It is always neat to see all of the kiddos test their limits and do well.

Finishing up the mile race.

 

I started a new training block this week for the Flagstaff Sky Race 55km on October 1st. This race is also put on by Aravaipa Running. I raced in their 39km in 2014 and instantly fell in love with mountain running and sky racing. I missed the race last year because I raced at Bear. I was bummed about missing it. I am super excited to play in the San Francisco Peaks this fall! Until then I will continue to eat healthy, run as often as I can, and go on more adventures with my husband and son.

If you have been thinking about improving your daily nutrition then I definitely encourage you to do your research and go for it! You just may end up feeling better than you have in years. Have a fun and healthy summer!!!

 

 

Reflecting on Bear100 & 2015

It has been 3.5 months since my experience at the Bear100. I have had a lot of time to reflect on how it all went down. I wouldn't change a thing. I think that myself, my crew and my family all took something from that experience that helped each of us grow. I think back to how emotional I was during the last half of the race and I have often wondered if I would have been if I hadn't of hurt myself. I don't think that I would have been, but I think that I needed that outlet to express the loss and frustration that I had experienced during the first half of 2015. 

We lost our Grandma Springer in February. My strong, feisty, witty, smart, beautiful, funny, and kind grandma had passed away. In May, something happened that hurt and humiliated me so deeply that it has taken months to recover from it.  In June we lost our Leon. We were blessed with 13 years with him. He was the sweetest most stubborn dog!! Two weeks later, we lost my Tommy. I was blessed with 17 years with my sweet kitty, but 17 years wasn't nearly enough time. During those two weeks I had to have lung surgery and was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease called Sarcoidosis which has effected my eyes, lungs, skin and joints. Thankfully I was able to get the Sarcoidosis under control with my running.  

 

When September rolled around, I went into the Bear100 as physically fit as I had ever been. I also went into it with a lot of raw emotions and emotional baggage. My training had helped me sort thru most of it and I am so grateful that my husband and son supported me and allowed me the time to go train and race. 

Did the first part of 2015 suck? Yes. But I have grown stronger, my core relationships have grown stronger, and I have stopped seeking acceptance from others simply because of who they are. For every bad thing that happened, something good happened. For every end there was a new beginning. 

So many good things have come out of those dark months and I think that everything that happened in the Bear100, including my ankle, helped with the healing process. I could walk away from it knowing that I was stronger than I had thought, could withstand more pain than I had thought and had a lot more people believing in me than I had thought.

I have experienced loss. I have hurt others and been hurt by others. I have lifted up others and been lifted up by others. I am not unique in these ways. We all experience and do these things. We are all making our journey through life and most of us are doing the best that we can. 

The lessons that I have taken away from 2015 are that once you find who truly loves, accepts and believes in you, cherish them and hold them tight. Let go of those who don't. Forgive. Live in the now because time is going to pass no matter what and now is the time that we have. If there is a goal or dream that you have been thinking about doing but it scares you...GO FOR IT!!!

 

I hope that everyone has a kick ass 2016!!



Grandma Springer

 

Leon the "Ladies Dog"

 

Sweet Tommy

She Believed She Could, So She Did

www.bear100.com

I spent the late spring and summer training for my first 100 miler up in the mountains. I mostly spent it up in the Hualapai Mountains here in Kingman, AZ. I also trained in Prescott, Flagstaff and Williams, AZ. When I sit and think about all of the beautiful places that I was able to train in starting back in May, it brings me to blissful memories of my time up in the mountains. The mountains are a place of refuge from this busy chaotic thing we call routine.

Prescott, AZ

Mt. Elden, Flagstaff, AZ

Williams, AZ

Hayden Peak, Hualapai Mts. Kingman, AZ

Hualapai Peak, Hualapai Mts Kingman, AZ

Last long training run before Bear

I started training under Coach James Bonnett in May. Hiring him was my birthday present from my husband. Best birthday present ever! After a short phone interview, he posted my first week of training. I remember thinking, "And so it begins..." 

I was both excited and scared to officially start training for my first 100 miler. He reassured me that we had some work to do but that he would have me ready to toe the line. By the time that I was heading to Logan, Utah,  last Wednesday, I was the fittest I have ever been, confident and ready to toe the line. 

I put a lot of thought and preparation into every detail of the race. I was mentally preparing my drop bags and calculating my pace, nutrition and hydration 2 months ahead of time. I visualized different times of the day and imagined how I might be feeling at that time. I thought of everything that could go wrong and how I could deal with it. 

My training cycle went smooth for the most part and I was able to complete the workouts that were critical. So the week before the race, when I was putting everything physically together and packing, I was relaxed and ready. My son, Bren, helped me with my drop bags. One of my crew members had suggested that he draw pictures for me on them to help motivate me. He wrote messages for me instead. He told me that I wasn't allowed to read the last drop bag message until I made it to the Beaver Creek aid station at mile 85.

Bren writing his messages for me.

  

I left for Utah two days before the race. After kissing my boys goodbye, I headed to my friend Julee's house to pick her up. Julee was kind enough to agree to go to Utah with me and to help when and wherever she was needed. She was also going to crew with Meaghen for our friend, Amanda, during the race. She is really that awesome. I wouldn't see my other two crew members/pacers until the second aid station on the day of the race. Julee and I drove until Provo, Utah where we checked into a hotel and called it a night. We knew this would be my last chance for a good night's sleep before race day.

We arrived in Logan around 12:00p.m. the next day and headed over to the packet pick up at The Sportsman. Once I had that bib in my hands it hit me that this was really happening.

I woke up at 3:00am race morning to eat my first breakfast. I had to literally gag it down. Apparently I don't like to eat at 3;00am, but I knew that these calories were critical. Then I laid back down to catch some more zzz's before I had to wake up at 4:30am, but I couldn't fall back asleep. I spent that time doing more visualization and mental preparation. 

After we were up and ready, I ate my second breakfast. Julee handed me a pretty silver bracelet that said, "She Believed She Could, So She Did." She wanted me to have it. Little did I know how much this precious gift from my friend would help motivate me throughout my race. 

We met Amanda and Meaghen in the hotel lobby around 5:15am to head over to the starting line.

Amanda & I before the race.

The race started right on time at 6:00am. And so it begins...

We winded our way through a neighborhood for a bit before we hit the single track trail that would begin winding us up to Logan Peak. It was dark for the first hour or so and as the sun came up the beautiful scenery became visible. I could hear the Aspens before I could see them. This made me smile. I was in the mountains. My happy place. 

Amanda and I were together until about mile 3.  That would be the last that we would see each other as we each continued on our own race journey. This was the longest climb of the race but it wasn't nearly as bad as I had thought that it would be. I cruised at a comfortable pace and made it to the Logan Peak aid station at mile 10.5 feeling great.

One of the views climbing up to Logan Peak 

I checked in and back out of Logan Peak AS quickly after refilling my water bottle and grabbing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Now I would be heading towards the Leatham Hollow aid station where I would see my crew for the first time. I was cruising at a comfortable pace and enjoying the beautiful scenery all around me. There were so many different types of scenery between the different vegetation and the different rock formations. Reds, yellows, greens, browns, etc. Talk about eye candy!

I reached the Leatham Hollow AS at mile 19.66 and as I was running in I was looking for my crew. As soon as I saw and heard them I had a huge grin on my face.

While they refilled my hydration pack and my water bottle, I went over and grabbed my drop bag with my fuel in it. It was starting to get warm out so I let them know that I wanted to start my heat management at this point. They put ice in my bandana that would go around my neck and ice in my hat. They had also put ice in my water bottle and in my hydration bladder. I headed out of there with a brain freeze! 

I began the climb to Richards Hollow aid station which was at mile 22.5. It was on a dirt road with lots of shade and water running next to it, and I arrived there quickly.

From Richards Hollow AS I headed towards Cowley Canyon AS. We spent a lot of time on some singletrack and I chatted off and on with another female runner. I stopped to do something and she pulled ahead. 

I ended up running for a bit with a runner from Miami, Florida named Chad. He told me some cool stories about running 100 milers in Florida with alligators and sand. He was a very cool guy and I introduced him to my crew member, Anna, so that she might keep an eye on him since he was out there without a crew. I called him "Chad from Florida" like "Jake from State Farm" when I asked about him. : )

  

There were cattle everywhere.

Sheep! Baaaaaa

Heading into Cowley Canyon AS

I was cruising along feeling great as I headed towards the Right Hand Fork AS and was around mile 35 when I jammed my toes on my right foot on a rock. The rock didn't budge. It. Hurt. Bad. I thought that I had just busted another toenail like I did in my 1st 50k. No biggie, right? Keep moving.

This was the point that I was starting to see the heat effect runners. Some were puking. Some had run out of water and were trying to get to the next aid station as quickly as they could. I even offered a runner some of my water because I knew that we had about 2 miles to go. Two miles in the mountains is different than two miles on a flatter course.

We winded our way down to the aid station and there was a short pretty out and back into the aid station where we ran alongside running water. My ankle had started hurting a bit by this point but I didn't think much of it. 

I met up with my crew, restocked, and dunked my hat in the a bucket of fresh running water. I sat down alongside the water for a few minutes to gnaw on some Tums because my belly was a bit...gassy. I knew that I was almost through the hottest part of the day and I was making good time so I took off from there and headed up the last hot exposed climb for the day.

Right Hand Fork AS sipping on Ginger Ale

  

The closer that I got to Temple Fork AS, the more I knew that something was truly wrong with my ankle. It was starting to hurt pretty badly, and felt like it was swelling but I didn't want to look. If I don't look, it is not happening, right?!

This part of the course had some smooth downhill portions and we ran along running water again for awhile. That was so rejuvenating and peaceful! The sun was beginning to go down and it was cooling off out there. This should have been where I was excited because I was still making good time and I could pick up my pace and move quicker with the cooler air. But I knew...I knew that I had to slow down if I wanted to finish this race.

Once I had arrived at Temple Fork AS at mile 45, I had decided that from this point on I would have to hike as fast as I could because I could no longer safely run. I knew that I could still make it by the final cutoff if I just kept moving. 

I had written Bren's name on my arm before the race and had been looking at it off and on throughout the day. As I sat at the AS eating a cup of chicken noodle soup, I stared at it. This was it. This was the fork in the road. 

Unexpected challenges always happen in ultras and that is part of the allure for me. I had been wondering what mine would be. I knew that one would creep up on me. Everyone out there was facing some kind of challenge or struggle. My ankle was mine. 

I stared at Bren's name and saw his face in my mind. Then I looked at a picture of Jeremy and I that is on the lock screen of my phone. I knew right then and there that I would face this challenge head on. This would not defeat me. I knew that I was out there to show my son that you can set a goal, work hard, and accomplish it. I told him that I would bring that buckle home. Quitting was not an option. 

I picked up my first pacer at this point. I will call him...Indiana Jones. This would be an adventure for him and he would be guiding Marion Ravenwood (that's me) from the Raiders of the Lost Ark (minus the love story). I am referring to the stubborn female and Indiana's ability to handle her. Anyone who is familiar with the movies knows who I am talking about. 

It was getting dark so we grabbed some warm clothes and our headlamps and began the long climb to Tony Grove AS. As you can see, I have everything broken down from aid station to aid station. That is how I did it in my mind during my race too. Section by section.

We made that long climb and towards the end of it my ankle was throbbing. I was focusing on not tripping again and getting to Tony Grove. 

I had warned the crew that when I am in pain I like to listen to people talk, but I do not like to talk much. I remember Mr. Jones asking me a question along the lines of, "If you could meet one dead person from the past, who would it be?" My answer? "No one." Later on he asks me, "Sooooo, what are you thinking about?" My answer? "Walking." Poor Mr. Jones.

We arrived at mile 51 at the Tony Grove AS.  I grabbed some warmer clothes and a beanie here. It was getting chilly! My other crew member, Anna Banana, would be pacing me from here until Franklin Basin AS. I spent a bit of time at this AS because Anna wanted to try to stabilize my ankle. Right as we were wondering what to do, Julee showed up!!!! Amanda was still on the course heading towards this AS so Julee was there waiting for her. I was SO excited to see her!! She also had some athletic tape in the car so she ran and got it. Anna applied the tape and we got ready to head out.

Being out there with Anna was a blast! She has good energy and she is another strong headed independent female athlete so she knows. She just knows. She took my mind off of my pain because she can talk and talk and talk and talk. She didn't care who she was talking to out there. It could be me. It could be another runner. It could be another runner's pacer. It could be a cow. You could hear her voice echoing throughout the canyons or across the meadows. It was hilarious and I was hiking behind her with a s*** eating grin on my face. We definitely made some friends along the way. Well, Anna did anyways. I was just cool by association.

I hit a mental low towards the end of this section because so many runners were passing us. It was cool out and the single track was through some meadows and lots of downhill which made for some nice running. If you could run. Downhill was what was killing my ankle. I am competitive by nature and although I was in it to finish it no matter what, I still struggled with people passing me. "I am going to finish in last place!" I whined. Anna reassured me I was fine and I snapped out of it.

We cruised into the Franklin Basin AS at mile 64.5. It was cold! They had a nice area with a fire going and chairs for runners to sit on. I changed into my running capris, a warmer beanie and grabbed a hot cup of chicken noodle soup. I took a seat while I ate and watched the other runners around me. Some were perky and smiling. Others were zoned and out of it. It was around 2am at this point. 

While I was sitting there warming up, I noticed that Chad from Florida was sitting there. He was struggling because he had taken a couple of hard falls. He seemed out of it. A volunteer was trying to cheer him up and see if he could go back out. 

The volunteers and food at all off the aid stations were great! They put a lot of time and energy into making sure we had everything that we needed. I think they would have given us a hug if that was what we needed. 

Before I headed back out, I checked on Chad and tried to encourage him. I didn't know if I would see him again on the course or not. 

Mr. Jones and I headed out for our 15 miles together on what would be the hardest sections mentally for both him and I. We had to cover 8 miles to Logan River/Steep AS. This portion was quite technical and the last half coming down was grueling. Mr. Jones was talking off and on and it was nice listening to him and following him. I was truly grateful that he was out there with me in the middle of the night making sure that I didn't get lost. I knew that this was hard on him. It would be hard on anybody. It was the middle of the friggin night! 

Around 5am, we were about a mile from the AS and I hit a mental low. It seemed like it was taking forever to get to the AS.  I cried silently into my running buff for about a mile or so. I was pissed, cold and tired. But most importantly, I wanted some soup. 

We arrived at the Logan River/Steep AS at mile 69.5 and I grabbed a hot cup of soup. I was shaking so badly that I was spilling it all over me but I didn't care. There were people DNFing there and others who were way too comfortable in their chairs. We moved out of there quickly! 

As we turned the corner we were standing in front of Logan River and there was no obvious crossing. Just ice cold water flowing past our feet. We would have to figure out how to cross without getting wet. It didn't look very deep but I knew that if I fell in or even submerged my feet in that cold water at that point, it was game over. There was no way that I could recover from that because I would become hypothermic. We stared at it for a bit and then Mr. Jones found a way that he thought we could cross. He went ahead and tried it, and it worked!! I needed a few moments to comprehend what I had to do annnnd I wanted to eat my beloved soup. This may have been the last few moments of my race and I wanted to take it all in. All of a sudden I hear a stern voice say, "Come on. Get over here now."

Anybody that knows me. Truly knows me...knows how that would go over at this point. I looked up from my lovely cup of soup, stared straight at that silhouette across the river and said thru gritted teeth, "No! I want to eat my soup!" I turned my back to him and ate more of my soup. Poor Mr. Jones. 

I drank the broth and shoved the cup with noodles down my sports bra so it was secured for the crossing. I went across the logs that he had crossed using my hands and feet to steady myself. Then I stepped onto the rocks that I would hop across to make it to the other side.

We made it!!!!! Woo hoo! Hot diggity dog!! I felt like jumping up and down with my hands in the air like Rocky does. I was met with a huge smile from Mr. Jones and a hug. He handled my low moment so well.

We made our way towards the Beaver Lodge AS. This would be another section of steep climbing and a descent. As we were cresting the ridge the sun came up and we were treated to a glorious sunrise. We had made it through the night! We started heading down towards the AS and I heard an elk bugle. I had been hoping that I would get to hear one and I did. 

By this time my pain level was sky high. My ankle felt like someone had poured gasoline on it and lit it on fire. The ball of my foot and my toes were screaming at me now from having to compensate. My left shin was starting to hurt from compensating. Every time I stepped it felt like someone was stabbing me. 

Suddenly my guts were on fire and I said, "I have to go to the bathroom!!!" as I frantically hobbled into the woods to find cover. I made it to an area with cover just in time. I made my way back out onto the trail and we headed in towards the Beaver Lodge AS at mile 75.8. 

As soon as I saw Anna, the tears that I had been holding back started falling. I told her, "I want to keep going. I cannot keep going like this though. Something has to change." 

She looked me over and sent me to the AS area inside of the lodge. She had me sit down and she grabbed a medical volunteer. He looked it over and told me that he could wrap it a certain way that would limit my movement but would take the edge off the pain. He reassured me that if I was tough enough to have already gone 40 miles on it, I could most certainly go another 25. He was right and I agreed. Anna showed up with some baby wipes and she wiped off my legs while I wiped off my face. I finally gave in and took a couple of Ibuprofen. I was wrapped up and ready to go! Mr. Jones was relieved of his pacing duties and Anna was on duty. 

We took off and right away my spirits were lifted because the pain level was down, the sun was up and Anna was talking and talking. We were moving along at a much faster pace than I had been able to all night and it felt wonderful! We started passing runners. I was passing runners!! I was so excited. We chatted with some runners for a bit and then we moved forward on our own heading towards the Gibson Basin AS at mile 81. We made it there in good time and checked out of it within 2 minutes.

Anna Banana & I at the Utah/Idaho Sate Line Photo Credit: Another Runner's Pacer

We headed towards the Beaver Creek AS and had a good time chatting. It was nice spending time with Anna out there. We are always so busy and I was getting to spend some good quality time with somebody who I love and respect.

We arrived at Beaver Creek AS at mile 85.25. This was something that I had been looking forward to for miles and miles. When Bren had written messages for me on my drop bags, he had told me that I could read every one of them beforehand EXCEPT for this one. This would be my last drop bag during the race. This drop bag had been the carrot on the stick that had motivated me to keep moving. I was here. I had made it. I went straight over to it and read it.

"I love you mom...your getting closer...your almost there and I love you"

I cried happy tears at that moment. I was so happy that I had made it this far and I knew that my little boy was back home cheering me on. It was time to get back out on the trails and finish this journey.

I left Beaver Creek AS by myself. It would give my pacer time to rest and give me time to reflect on the journey itself without any distractions. I enjoyed those miles to myself. It was like being out on one of my training runs and just cranking out some miles. There was a big climb during this section and I passed more runners. It was a beautiful morning out!

I arrived at the Ranger Dip AS at mile 92 ahead of schedule and my crew was nowhere to be seen. I found their vehicle, and Mr. Jones was passed out in the front seat and Anna Banana was passed out on a cot. I giggled and made my way to the AS tent.

I refilled my water, put some ice in my bandana and grabbed a PB & J sandwich. I headed over to my crew gnawing on my food and took a minute to look at them. I was so appreciative for all that they had done. I knew that if I left without waking up Anna that she would hunt me down and kill me somewhere on the trail so I woke her up. She did that thing that you do when you know that you slept in too late so you jump up with wide bloodshot eyes and your hands out to the sides.

She threw on her gear and off we went! This was the last section of the race. The climb out of Ranger Dip was straight up brutally steep. We passed some more runners on that section. I thought for sure that they would all bomb past me on the downhill. 

After the climb there was a fairly gentle downhill for a bit and we had our first view of Bear Lake! It was a beautiful sight!! Then we hit the real descent. This descent was hands down the worst descent I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. It was so steep, long and painful that I consider taking off my hydration pack, sitting on it and scooting down it on my butt. Seriously. My pain level was sky high down this section but I just gritted my teeth, bitched off and on, and made my way down slowly but surely. I told Anna that I would NEVER do this race again. Only 3 runners passed us which surprised me. Apparently it was kicking everyone else's butt too.

We made it to a flat parking lot and looked to our left and there was another big hill. By this point it is just like, whatever. We made it up and down that hill and headed towards a flat gravel road. We were looking for the finish line. We knew that it had to be close. It had to be right around the corner, right?!?!  A nice lady told us that we "only" had less than 2 miles left. Less than 2 miles?! She meant well but at this point she may as well have said that we only had 20 miles left because that is what 2 miles sounded like. Anna and I looked at each other and were both like, ARRRRGHHHHHH!

We headed down that road and Anna took off ahead of me. She had been doing this the whole section and I knew why but at this point I needed her by my side. I tried to run but I almost fell over because I was not physically able to run. My flexor in my ankle was stiff and locked up so I literally could not run. 

So I was walking as fast as I could and she was pulling away. I finally told her that I was moving as fast as I could and was giving 100% effort but this was all that I had. This was everything I had left. I must have had a look of desperation because she instantly stopped and ran back to me. She stayed with me from that point on.

About .75 of a mile from the finish line, Mr. Jones appeared. Actually, his butt did. He was mooning us! He jogged up to us and asked me how I was feeling. I looked over at him and I said, "I am f***ing over it!" We all started laughing. I love my running friends. I asked where Julee was and he told me she was at the finish line. Yay! I couldn't wait to see her!

We came up to our last left turn and I was so close. I took my last right turn and as soon as I turned that corner and saw the finish line, tears welled up in my eyes yet again. 

I had done it. WE had done it. I had gone 100 miles and was going to cross the finish line and bring the buckle home to my boy. Other runners, crews and volunteers where cheering for me and I took it all in. Everything. The smells, the sounds, sights, the emotions...she believed she could, so she did.  

My sidekick, Julee, driving Miss Crazy home.

The buckle was handed off to my little man. : )

P.S. I will be returning to the Bear and going for my sub 30 hour goal. Hopefully in 2017. 

P.S.S. If you are looking for a running coach then check out James Bonnett. He is the man.
http://www.ultrazbonnett.com/

All but two photos were taken by me or my crew. 

Gear and Food:

Nathan Intensity Vest

Nike Wildhorse Shoes

Injinji Toe Socks

Hammer Endurolyte Capsules

Water

1 cup of Coke

Ginger Ale

VFuel Gels

Clif Shots

Pretzels

PB&J Sandwiches

Bananas

Watermelon

&

SOUP!!!!