My first memories of my struggles with depression and anxiety began around age 7 when I was in the second grade and I realized that my father had left our family and was not coming back. I grew up in a home where I knew I was loved very much by my family. However, I remember some days feeling a deep sadness and on some days tremendous anger. Then on other days I would feel profound happiness and joy. On my good days, I was a happy rowdy little girl who liked to play outside with G.I. JOE's with my friends, go rollerskating around the carport singing along to my Tiffany and Debbie Gibson cassette tapes, and romp around in the woods looking for little forest critters. On my bad days, I was an angry and defiant little girl who would lash out and sometimes bring her mom and other family members to tears. Or I would be a reclusive little girl who would go to the swing set down the street by herself and swing for who knows how long trying to soothe myself. I did not understand why I had those feelings and I did not know how to express them so I would shove them down into the darkest depths of myself and they would unfortunately manifest themselves as verbal or physical outbursts when I could no longer keep them inside.
Once I began the turbulent age of being a tween, I developed more anxiety, anger, and felt very overwhelmed with even the smallest things. I continued being defiant and was grounded more often than not. As a teen, I developed tics, cut myself, and sometimes would lay in bed wishing that I would not wake up in the morning. A traumatic incident happened to me when I was 15 years old and I went into an even darker place. I felt like I had no control over my life and I felt like I could not handle being alive anymore. I was exhausted and lost. There were some good times in between the bad times but the turbulent ups and downs lasted into my late teens and early 20's.
In my early 20's, I met my husband and I began to slowly understand that what I was feeling was something that I could possibly seek help for and was something that I wanted help for, but I did not know how. I still did not truly understand why I was the way that I was and I focused on trying to "fix" myself by becoming more physically active and even considered changing careers. That did work somewhat and I started leveling out. Eventually I was stable for a couple of years and we decided to start our family. I gave birth to our son in 2005 and that is when the deep changes began to occur.
I ended up having moderate postpartum depression for about 4 years that I once again hid from everyone for 3 of those years. Being a mom made me want to be a healthier person. I HAD to be a healthier person if I was going to be able to prepare our little human for life. I focused all of my energy into being a good mom. It felt natural and like I was born to be his mom. But focusing that much on one specific area of my life led to imbalances and neglect in other aspects and with people in my life that needed more attention. I needed to be an all around healthier person and the best version of myself. But how?
I began to see and hear others speaking out about their experiences with mental health and I was starting to see that I was not alone. I was not the only one experiencing these feelings? That sounds so self-centered but I have learned that it is common to feel like you are alone and the only person who is experiencing these feelings. That is because as a society we do not talk about the elephant in the room. Even when we lose loved ones physically or emotionally to mental health issues we rarely sit down and talk about why.
I truly thought that I was the only one, and I was embarrassed and ashamed. The truth is that many of us deal with mental health issues. We are not alone. We are not bad people. I never wanted to commit the actual act of suicide but I was okay with not waking up at some points during my early life. I have empathy for the people who lose complete hope and choose to end their life. They are not weak. They are not selfish. They were trapped in their own head and unfortunately did not feel like there was a way to get out of their own head. They felt like the world would be a better place without them. They were so very wrong.
Last year I decided to reach out for online counseling because I could feel my anxiety reaching unhealthy levels. That counseling led to positive decisions that have led to me being healthier version of myself mentally and physically again. It also led to the realization that I had absolutely nothing to be ashamed of when I reached out for help. I have learned that I have to take care of my mental health just like I do my physical health. It takes daily maintenance and I am a work in progress but I can honestly say that I am now the best version of myself.
I am in a good place now. I understand what is going on with my mental health. I have my outlets and my support systems in place. That does not mean that I do not still wake up some days with feelings of deep sadness with absolutely no logical explanation for why. Or anxiety that makes me want to climb back into bed and cry. I have an awesome life. I know that. But with mental illness that does not always matter. Although it scares me and is leaving me vulnerable to judgment, I am going to speak out about my experiences so that maybe someone reading this will see that they are not alone.
Reach out to your family and friends. If you do not want to do that then reach out to professionals who will keep your information confidential but can help guide you. I promise you that you most likely have others in your life who are struggling with the same feelings. You are not alone.
I am terrified of my son feeling what I felt growing up or as an adult and not knowing how to express it or feeling like he cannot express his feelings. Parents, lets listen to our children. They may not be expressing their feelings verbally or in a positive way. Or expressing their feelings at all. Lets truly "listen" because the earlier we can teach coping skills and make sure that they know they are not alone with how they are feeling, the better we will prepare them for life. Lets talk about it more.
As I wrap this up, I am on my second cup of coffee and about to get ready to attend my college commencement ceremony for my associates degree today. As a child and a teen I never thought that I would live past my teens, be a wife to a wholeheartedly good man, a mom of an amazing son, and a fur-mama to some wonderful fur-babies. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that any of that would happen. But here I am. There will continue to be hard days and there will be the good days because that is the human condition and that is life. But knowing that we are in this journey together makes this life journey marvelous. 💕
